


Hold Me (While I Break)

by Eternalxblossom



Category: Wentworth (TV)
Genre: F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-12-07
Packaged: 2021-01-28 22:01:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21399331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eternalxblossom/pseuds/Eternalxblossom
Summary: An expansion on the self-harming scene in 4x06, followed by Bea and Allie's thoughts as they looked at each other from across the yard later in the episode...and another missing scene they should've given us. Basically two one-shots linked together..like seahorses. :)Prompted by and dedicated to @ballie_pancakes. My writer brain thanks you.
Relationships: Allie Novak/Bea Smith
Comments: 24
Kudos: 34





	1. Chapter 1

She thought it would make it go away.

The resentful voices in her head chanting of past failure like a broken record stuck on replay, the unbreakable regret clawing at her skull with each fractured memory of every person she failed to protect. She thought the blade sliding down her thigh would punish her enough to bring justice to the fallen, avenge the lives lost, drown that taunting chatter, if only for a moment.

She thought if she did it long enough, she’d take their pain and wear it herself, brand herself so they didn’t have to, carry it so they didn’t have to…forever embedded on her flesh. And as she found herself lying down on the floor after her actions led to the demise of yet another young girl, Tasha, she couldn’t stop.

She cut into the same scars she already had, made them uglier, more deformed on purpose..

More _structured._ After all, it was just what she did in this place - bring order to chaos.

And maybe each line was supposed to represent another loss, in a twisted game of show and tell…she had to wonder if she had enough skin for them all.

She didn’t feel a single thing – no burn, no sting, no touch of cold metal against her flesh, not even the blood spilling out of her…

All she felt was Allie’s hand on top of hers, urging the bleeding to stop from within.

She didn’t remember how the blonde got there, only heard her tentative steps, only felt her heavy, empathetic, all-knowing gaze locking with hers, weighing her down and lifting her up, easing a burden she recognized better than anyone else – _failure. _

Devastating,_ utter_ failure.

Her tired, equally defeated eyes spoke of a million things that begged to be heard. But outwardly, all she could offer was quiet understanding, her caring, tender gestures devoid of any judgment. Allie's looked at her in a million ways before, some she could decipher, some she couldn't...but neither ever carried any trace of judgment.

When everyone else passed definitive sentences, put her on a trial or branded her as a criminal, Allie never dared to.

Because she knew. It can’t have been the first time she walked in on a scene like this…

Allie probably saw even worse than her.

And when she took the bloodied shiv from her trembling hands and tossed it away, covered her wounds with a cloth and her healing touch on top, it was Bea's cue to crumble then fall apart...

She couldn’t remember the last time anyone took care of her.

When all she did was take care of everyone else.

Allie didn’t say a thing.

For minutes on end, all she did was keep her hand there, fingers laced with hers protectively, firm enough to stop the bleeding, gentle enough to keep her from running away.

She couldn’t even if she tried. She had nowhere to go.

Bea cried.

Long and hard_,_ fractured and _raw…_she wept like she never had before, every sound splitting her open, wider than any blade ever could. Not just for Tasha but for everything she lost, everyone she lost. All she heard were her choked, ragged cries next to Allie’s calm, rhythmic breaths grounding her like nothing else ever had, eventually soothing her own.

No one ever managed to...until now. The last person she remembered sitting in silence with, not needing a single word to fill it was Debbie. Bea was scared to death of what it meant…to feel connected to someone this way.

To feel connected to Allie this way…

No one came. No one _but _her. They were too caught up in prison politics and personal drama..or maybe they just didn’t care enough. They all knew she heard about Tasha.

_Only _Allie knew what it would do to her…

When the blonde’s hand slid down from her thigh a breath or maybe an eternity later, Bea’s eyes followed, tracing its every move. She saw teal – because Allie reluctantly took it back to join her other one, as they came to rest in her pockets.

Her gestures betrayed palpable, nervous energy, breaking the spell they were under almost cruelly….just when Bea was gradually putting herself back together.

She didn’t have it in her to ask Allie to hold her hand again.

Instead, without a single word, she pulled her pants back up.

Another heavy breath and she mimicked the blonde, unconsciously, folding her hands together, leaning against the cold concrete of the prison walls. And when her eyes fell shut, the silence governing the stiflingly small space only grew heavier…

Bea covered herself with embarrassed, self-conscious gestures, feeling so much more exposed to Allie than ever before, so much uglier to her than she ever wanted to be…

She didn’t know when and how she started to care how Allie saw her…

Bea covered herself with everything she had. The sight of her own scars made her sick now. She would have thrown up if she had anything in her.

Because she saw them as ugly, deformed, imperfect…just like she was.

Allie saw them as beautiful….just like she saw her.

Because those scars made her who she was.

The blonde waited, patiently as always, until she couldn’t bear the weight of everything they’re not saying. She felt something shift between her and Bea that night in the slot…or perhaps earlier. But even when sat inches away, feet and shoulders almost touching, it felt like they were miles further from each other now than that night.

She’s felt closer to Bea with a wall between them.

It had nothing on the one rising _now._

Eventually, Allie did speak…

“You know…” – the blonde chewed on her bottom lip, fidgeting awkwardly with her hands as if she had no viable use for them anymore. “It’s not your fault, Bea…”

Bea’s eyes were still shut tight, painfully almost, tears prickling beneath the surface, threatening to spill again. The blade didn’t sting…but they were.

“Tasha…”

She didn’t answer…

Allie knew she didn’t believe a word.

“There’s nothing more you could have done.” – she added ever-so carefully, leaning back against the wall, too, watching her with something akin to guilt...

Allie was trying to impose _some _physical distance. It felt like the most unnatural thing in the world...but she suspected Bea might need it.

“Same goes for Debbie…”

And when her next words dropped, so quiet but so honest and tender-hearted, Bea’s eyes swiftly narrowed on her. It wasn’t long before she matched them with rougher ones of her own…

“Y-you don’t know _anything_ about that, Allie—“

She must’ve aimed for accusatory and resentful but all that came out was a hollow tremble. That stung, too, more than any needle Allie’s ever felt in her veins. She exhaled heavily, angling her head to see her better…

“Of course I do…”

But not even the sound of her voice breaking earlier hurt quite like the sight that followed…

“You told me…”– Allie murmured, softly, a barely perceptible smile tugging at her lips. “Remember…?”

Bea swallowed hard, fumbling with her trousers, fighting the urge to hurt herself again…

Allie’s already seen it, it wouldn’t make a single difference now…

“And I also know it had to have taken you there again, hearing about her...” – the blonde inched closer, sensing what she was about to do, hand hovering in the air, gently urging the damage to stop before it could even start…“They were about the same age and I know you’re—“

“I’m_ what_, Allie?” – Bea snapped…in a hundred pieces this time. “Blaming myself for something that is in fact _my _fault?”

“Bea--”

“If you’re telling me not to do that…” – her jaw clenched tight, nails digging into her palms roughly, brown eyes cold as steel... “Then you are wasting your time--”

Allie saw…

She was _still_ inflicting damage…and nothing the blonde did seemed to make it stop.

“It’s not what I’m—“

_Trying to do._

“No, you know what?”

Bea raised her voice again, crossing her legs and turning her back on Allie before she could even get the chance to speak…let alone touch her again…

“I know what you’re trying to do but y-you…you can’t help me.”

_No one can._

“And I don’t need you to.”

Scattered and torn but too stubborn to admit it, Bea’s frame shifted the opposite way, evading every questioning flicker of Allie’s gaze on her profile, searching for _something_ in that meaningless pile of modest belongings on her desk, instead.

Maybe if she searched enough, she’d find something else to ground her, something other than soothing words, blonde locks and the gentlest touch she’s ever known, a touch no one granted her before…

She couldn’t need Allie. She _never _needs anyone.

“So if you could just---“

“Leave?” – the blonde asked, _calmly.. _“Is that what you want?”

Bea sheltered her gaze, a million answers lingering on her lips, each one of them wrong…

Maybe _she_ didn’t need her..or simply didn’t know how much…but Allie sure as hell did.

And no matter how hard she was trying to push back, Allie couldn’t help but still push forward. It was everything she did since she landed in here. She couldn’t let her go.

“Because I need you to tell me, Bea…”

Not unless she asked for it herself…

Bea looked down, all the fight and anger in her voice simmered down into…_nothing._

Allie _still_ heard her…

Because she always heard Bea, even when she didn’t speak. She wondered if anyone else bothered to hear her cries for help…when day in and day out, Bea heard everyone’s demands and expectations…

_Everyone_ stole a piece of her and no one bothered to put anything back.

Allie would try..

“I need you to look at me and say it.”

To be her exception.

And when she moved again, almost meekly, Bea didn’t see it, she only felt it.

With every cautious touch of Allie’s fingers on her palm, steady on surface, equally shattered underneath, she was replacing the roughness of her own nails cutting through, nearly drawing blood again. It was then that the truth dawned on her…

Allie _never _asked for anything.

She smashed her eyebrow, made her bleed all over the tiles, pushed her away more times than she could count and all Allie did was _give_ \- information, comfort, support…even when she knew she wasn’t getting anything in return…because Bea also rejected her, spoken or unspoken…

“Tell me to leave…and I will.”

She wanted to do it again.

She excelled at it…

“I promise you…”

Then why did she ache for Allie to never let go of her hand?

Why was she so close to blurting out _“Please don’t go…”_ and so scared of every flood that would arise in her? That single sentence was the dam keeping everything from rising to the surface.

She wanted to say it. She couldn’t do that, either.

“But not until you listen to me…” – Allie sighed, facing her completely now, throwing all caution to the wind. She moved closer, her hand coming up to rest at the nape of Bea’s neck, gently urging her to face her, too. “You couldn’t have stopped it. Not then, not now…believe me. You did everything you could…for Tasha…and for your daughter.”

“Allie—“

“Y-you know, I….”- the blonde spoke again…and the sheer fragility in her tone was enough to silence Bea. “When I lived on the streets I…I was a mess..”

As a faraway, distant look settled in her eyes, Allie’s hand fell from her hair and back onto her lap, fidgeting with the other. Bea ached to do the same for her...touch her, hold her close...

She didn’t want her to leave. It was the last thing she wanted.

But she couldn’t move. All she could do was listen…and maybe it was about time she did.

“I saw them all come and go …one day we were all off our faces…next day someone would go too far….no one talked about it on the news, no one knows their story…who cares about another junkie OD-ing...right? Water under the bridge…numbers on a list…is what we are…”

Bea had to wonder then if that’s what her daughter was seen as in the end…if she died as a junkie in the eyes of the world, too…the mere thought of her baby girl being reduced to that…and _that_ only made her physically sick.

“But they were my friends…and if I wasn’t so fucked up…” _–_ the blonde’s tone turned bitter, voice shaking and dripping with stifled _anger_…”Maybe I could have done _something.”_

But not anger at the world….at _herself. _

_She_ had plenty of experience with failure, too..

“I let them die with needles in their arms because I was too high to see anything but the one in mine.“

Allie almost laughed then…and that choked, pitiful attempt cut straight through Bea in return.

Because it came out raw and _forced _and so much more revealing than she probably intended…

Bea knew her cover up’s better than anyone – laughing was one of them. Flirting or brushing everything aside with casual indifference and a sunny, happy-go-lucky outlook, so tragically unfit for a place like this were the others…

She’s seen Allie naked…_physically,_ a memory she still held burned in her mind’s eye...one she would almost allow herself to visit again on some nights, trace back with a different outcome…

“I didn’t do jackshit, Bea…I didn’t even _try._”

She’s seen Allie naked.

But somehow, she’s never been as bare as now.

“But _you _did_. _Tasha, you gave her a lighter punishment even if you could’ve done worse…because you’re not cruel…you’re gentle and kind…and no matter what you think, you are too good for this place. You don’t belong here..”

And when Bea's gaze locked with hers, nothing but shock and disbelief etched onto every shade of earth brown, Allie stopped her protests with a single glance…

One that still stole her breath away…

“_I_ do, fucking Ferguson sure does, even Kaz….but_ not_ you.”

Someday, she’ll run out of excuses for _that_, too…

For the way her heart responded, loud and steady, pulsing in a way that almost made her feel alive again…for the way her lungs always burn with foreign _want _whenever she gets a little too close…

“You did everything you could to protect her. And, at the end of the day, sometimes that’s all you can do for them..”

She couldn’t tear her gaze away this time. From her and everything she was – vulnerable and exposed and beautiful…

"Try...."

So beautiful…

Everything Bea never saw in herself.

“I…I didn’t give a shit about anything but getting high.. I didn’t even care if I died tomorrow…not until Kaz and…”

The more Bea fumbled with her sleeves, the more she was denying, even rejecting her words…

“Y-you.”

And when Allie’s voice cracked, so did she.

Because she couldn’t reject_ this_ one…

“If it weren’t for you, I’d be in those statistics. You’d hear about me on the news…you gave us a purpose…”

And maybe Allie was talking about the Red Right Hand…but what she really meant was…

_You gave **me** a purpose_

_You made **me** want to live._

She just hoped Bea would read between the lines.

“So if you think you never made a difference for anyone… you’re wrong..”

She didn’t seem to….so Allie tried, again…

For her, she’d never stop trying.

“I wouldn’t be here without you.”

She wasn’t only talking about being alive and breathing…she was also talking about this place, what _here_ really meant…now. It was where she always really wanted to be, next to her…

“From where I’m standing, someone who does that for someone else deserves anything but punishment.”

She wondered if she knew…if she understood how much it meant to simply be in her space now, to see her the way no one else has…

Bea didn’t seem to know that, either.

“So maybe you should think about that, too, next time you feel like _that_…” – Allie pointed to the shiv she carelessly tossed away. “Is the answer…”

With that closing remark falling like a definitive sentence, one Bea could carry because it rang nothing but_ truth_, Allie's gentle pleas stopped…the blonde was already lifting herself up off the ground with the clear intention to leave. And maybe she wasn’t ready to let her go, but she was ready to go even without being explicitly asked to leave..

“I hope you do…”

Because Bea didn’t ask her to stay, either…

What she didn’t know was that the broken redhead _did_ listen…even to what she didn’t say. She breathed in her every word. And no matter how hard she was trying to fight the truth in every solemn undertone ringing back in her ears, she was one step away from surrendering.

She couldn’t fight Allie anymore.

She couldn’t stand to see her walk away, either.

With a sharp, almost too rough touch on her arm, she turned her around before she even knew what she was doing…and when Allie found her once more, confused but so willing yet again, her heart rate picked up ever-so-slightly then marched like a drum.

She felt every sentence in her throat pleading to be released, down to the last letter, starting with…

_Wait…_

And ending with…

_I need you…_

But she couldn’t verbalize a single one. Her mouth opened and closed, as more tears flooded her eyes again, lingering there, voicing them, instead…

Allie looked at her then and somehow, she _knew._

With every step she took in this intimate, contained space she still felt privileged to witness, Allie only unraveled her more…until all they had was one breath in between them. Bea found her too, similar tears settling in that calm sea before her…like the blonde was trying to take them from her so_ she_ didn’t have to carry them, like she carried everything else..

She carried enough. More than a single soul ever should have.

Allie stopped mere inches away from her face, asking for permission…maybe to stay…

“Come here…”

Maybe to _love._

She leaned forward, gently and so hesitantly capturing her frame, as if she was still waiting to be pushed away. Nothing came this time. And maybe Allie’s arms were equally fragile but they were warm and steady, begging to take some of that weight off of hers in return.

It was the first time anyone offered…

Then again, everything with Allie was a series of firsts.

Bea leaned to nuzzle in her neck, grasping at her shoulders shakily in return as the blonde sighed softly in her ear…

“It’s okay…”

And when she let go, sooner rather than later, despite aching to do the opposite, Bea was greeted by the immensity of the ocean again. What she found in between calm waves was different now, foreign, akin to a storm simmering…

If she thought Allie was exposed before, she was miles away from the truth. Because this, right here, was something she could never keep under-wraps…

Bea’s watched a million times over but never quite seen.

“I got you…”

She was seeing it now.

It only made Allie even more achingly beautiful to her.

And when those lips she had no idea she was chasing with her own gaze came to rest against her forehead, smooth like velvet, ghosting over every worried crease, she froze, mouth parting into a light gasp..

Because her lips were soft and inviting and warm…_so_ warm, nothing like the rough, piercing, cold metal against her flesh before…her lips left marks, too, different ones…

Nothing seemed to hurt. 

Then again, Allie never hurt her.

Only _she _did.

“You’re stronger than you know…”

She was scared to ask herself what Allie really meant...

If it was…_I love you._

Did she even want to know?

Another light squeeze of her hand and the blonde was gone, metal sliding against empty concrete behind her, quiet steps drifting further and further away. Only the sound of the door clicking into place as it shut all the way through echoed past her retreating frame, followed by the screws announcing the evening count…

Bea watched her go…then smiled.

Fractured, weak but _genuine._

She couldn’t remember the last time she did.

Of all people, Allie Novak made her smile…

Of all people, Allie Novak glued her broken pieces back together.

She wanted to return the favor.

Someday, maybe, she could.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This is what happened in canon in 4x06, they just didn't show us and in this essay I will---

Bea tossed and turned restlessly that night. Despite tethering on the edge of physical and emotional exhaustion, the vivid, everlasting reminders of everything that transpired during the day kept her lying awake. She found herself standing still, in all understandings of the phrase, listening to foreboding silence, waiting on more tides to crash against the shore..

In a place like this, it was only a matter of time.

There was always a storm of some sort brewing, steadily picking up momentum just to crash and rain down hard on the innocent…as innocent as someone could be in here. She still believed Tasha to be one of the good ones taken too soon, a victim of circumstance if nothing else…

On some level, it was what she thought of Allie, too…

Bea was scared to ask herself how many times in a day or a night she thought of her…

_She _was one of the good ones, too. Perhaps _the best_ she’s come to know – sunny and bright and always ready to fire an inappropriate joke, at times so full of heart and tenderness she wondered if she was real…it was hard to grasp how someone like Allie could maintain such real, tangible humanity after all the devastatingly unfair hands she’s been dealt in life.

It was a heart-wrenching spectacle to witness, such light next to pitch-black darkness…but a beautiful one nonetheless.

Allie fought to stay human with her last breath.

Allie _dared_ to stay human.

She was the most human of them all…something Bea struggled to find in herself more and more each day, something she could feel turning dimmer, like a flickering candle struggling to stay alight…

But the justice system never cared. They were all branded the same – criminals with no hope for redemption, forced behind bars for an arbitrary amount of time, decided on even more flawed principles and moral grounds…

In her case, that time was decided as…_forever._

She was done thinking about the fairness of it all. There was no such thing. Not now, not ever. Not in this world.

On some nights such as this one, however, she dared to think, even hopelessly dream, with an odd sense of childish naiveté, that after spending so much time locked up already, with nothing but eternity to follow that she’d eventually get used to it.

Get used to the way this place steadily drives away any desire for more, leaving only survival as a goal, get used to every shade of darkness possibly known to man, maybe even learn how to tell them apart with stunning accuracy…

She thought, at some point, that it would stop mattering, stop _hurting. _

It never did.

Until her thoughts drifted back to Allie.

Somehow, she always made the noise a little less loud, always turned a weak heartbeat into a steady pulse...and maybe it was precisely that which drove her to choose differently now.

She _almost _reached for the shiv again, looking for the familiar, messed-up comfort of anguish and torment…because it was everything she’s ever known. She nearly allowed herself to give in to the urge to hurt and punish…which was what she’s always done, even visualized the scars and how she’d cut into them deeper this time around…

The impulse came - strong, tempting, _inviting_ even…but it also passed.

When the blade slid past shaky hands and into the trash, instead, she felt a crushing weight fall from her shoulders, too, one of the many…

And when it dropped, she could have sworn she felt Allie’s hand in hers, pulling her from deep down under with an even stronger grip, could have sworn she just heard every familiar rumble of her voice in her ear…

_You did the right thing. _

Maybe she was going mad…

_You don’t need it._

_I’m proud of you._

Maybe she just _missed _her.

Allie was the only one who thought she didn’t deserve any punishment..when the entire world begged to differ.

_She_ made the urge go away…

Bea was scared to death to face what_ that_ meant.

But she’d be lying if she said her nights hadn’t been filled with blonde locks and honest, striking blue eyes…she’d be lying if she said the mere thought of Allie didn’t make everything better, render the voices in her head a little less hurtful, maybe urge them into complete silence, beat by beat…

It was nothing compared to the real deal – Allie, in the flesh, lying by her side, sharing the same space, the same silence, safe and sound…

It was a picture she had no idea she wanted…and just _how_ much.

Until _now. _

The thought was nowhere near enough to settle her…but it was close _enough._

Close enough to cut through any lingering distance the prison walls imposed so cruelly between them, close enough to make her eyes fall shut and find rest, eventually…it was _something_ to ground her, an answer to a_ need_, a _craving _emerging from somewhere deep inside, asking, pleading to be answered…

She was even more petrified to let her mind go there, ask herself if it was, in fact, Allie she needed…

Allie she craved…

The memory of the blonde’s words echoed in her head like a lullaby, still urging the bleeding to stop from within…externally, all traces had dried out, but on the inside, there was plenty more where that had come from…

Bea was_ still_ crumbling in every sense of the word…

Allie had been the only one to put her back together…

And she still was, even if she wasn’t physically there.

Now, more than ever, Bea ached for her to be…to feel her there, right beside her, breathing steadily, warm skin entangled with hers, hearts marching to the same rhythm, linked together now and maybe for the rest of all eternity…

If that was all she’d get in here, she wouldn’t mind spending it with her.

A dark, remote, carefully locked away part of her wondered if Allie thought of her in return....if she had a hard time falling asleep, if she was tossing and turning restlessly now, too…she suspected she might…and it only made her smile, weakly.

Because she couldn’t entertain the thought for longer than a few minutes at a time, because she knew, with utmost certainty, that there was a tornado of barely contained thoughts to follow, thoughts that would inevitably arise if she let the first one pass…

If she let herself admit just how much she needed Allie, too..

And when she woke up the next morning, she tried to hopelessly dismiss that familiar soreness in her chest and limbs, tried to deny that it was Allie’s name on her lips and her touch embedded on her skin that drove her to move. The first thing she did was check her scars, finding them slightly less red and inflamed but nowhere near faded…

It wasn’t long before the prison filled with activity yet again, the sound of the screws announcing the morning count blending with mixed female voices down the hall…

With a heavy breath and fallen, half-lit eyes, she got up then did what she always did – hide the scars. Put on a brave face for the world to see. Unsurprisingly, she was greeted by prison politics and a threat of danger brewing, looming above first thing in the morning…

A day of peace was utopia in a place like this, alright…

The yard was bustling with whispers, plotting and scheming…and, as always, she was in charge of keeping it from boiling over into a war. With every shushed voice, every tension-filled glare passing in between the women like sharp daggers, only trouble could lay ahead..

She could already feel the tension building up inside her…

Until her eyes drifted over to Kaz’s table…

Until she caught Allie’s gaze just as it came up to search hers in return, instinctively…

For a moment there, Allie pulled a weak, fugitive smile from her lips, brought her under a safe cloak of light that seemed to freeze time…

Until the darkness of this place and the clouds above rained down, reminding her of her real position here, drowning her in meaningless prison politics, danger and more threats once again….threats to her _power _now, power she never wanted…because it came with responsibility and scars no one knew of…

No one_ but_ Allie…

Their eyes stayed locked in a game of more questions than answers…and underneath it all, one emerged the strongest. Bea saw what Allie wanted to ask the most…which was:

_Are you okay?_

Same Allie whose warm, expressive eyes blended worlds of similar anguish in between every curious flicker towards her now, sheltered well behind calm blue seas glinting with something similar to wanderlust…if only she knew the only place Allie wanted to travel was within her orbit…but she barely let her get close enough to touch…

While everyone looked at her for leadership, strength and guidance, only _she _seemed to find something else entirely. Only Allie saw something precious, in dire need of protection and care all the same…and it wasn’t for lack of faith in her abilities. Bea knew Allie saw her as strong, too…but it didn’t stop her from staring at her this way now, nonverbally offering something else.

_You can always come to me._

She could almost hear her say it, picture lips that haunted her every dream moving with effortless grace, forming each word, hear the offer ringing in the air, not expecting or demanding any reciprocation…

If only she could listen to that unspoken sentence in all the ways it deserved to be listened to…

She could only manage one – the easy one, the coward’s way out. She still had it in her to rationalize the tangled web of lies that was her damaged heart, wondrously, _stubbornly_ held together by a thread that had already been stretched past its breaking point...

Again and again and again...

Same heart she’d _never_ admit in a million years belonged to Allie...

Bea answered with a preoccupied, not even halfway convincing nod, mind drifting further away from here, from this yard…

All she wanted was to disappear.

All she wanted, for a single treasured moment if nothing else, was to be back in her cell with Allie...with nothing to feel but a soft hand lingering on top of hers, vanish from that yard in a puff of smoke and let the prison drama get out of her head, sort itself out…but she couldn’t…

Because she had a responsibility, one she only took on to survive. She was top dog. She couldn’t allow herself to get distracted.

Allie’s tender gaze still dared to ground her, still brought her a touch of foreign happiness she never thought, let alone _dreamed_, she’d only associate with her...

Until she heard Kaz spew her usual nonsense, put Joan Ferguson, of all people, a murderer, a criminal, a chief manipulator on a pedestal for attempting to save Tasha. Kaz had no idea The Freak had an ulterior motive for that, too…in the older blonde’s mind, Ferguson saved her while Bea doomed her…so, she had a valid reason to despise the latter.

_She_ was in the right…and Bea was in the wrong.

Allie seemed to be equally disgusted by the show…

A fake, courteous smile was plastered on her face as she absentmindedly listened to the conversation, even if her head was in an entirely different place altogether…

It was at that moment Bea started to see the cracks in her loyalty really show, soon to be dropped at her feet, one by one…

She could tell Allie didn’t want to be there, at that table, that she couldn’t back Kaz anymore, not with a clear conscience…a remote, selfish part of her wanted to believe Allie would have rather been next to her right then and there…

She wasn’t wrong…

Allie was one step away from surrendering altogether…until something in that indistinct chatter seemed to draw her attention…As Kaz clapped and cheered on Joan for “_saving a young woman’s life_”, the noises from their crew became quieter…

Bea couldn’t hear them anymore…she had a feeling that meant bad news.

Allie’s worried, foreboding look searching hers as soon as it could only confirmed her suspicions…

She caught onto her cue immediately, already making up excuses in her mind to leave, find the right opportunity to move…

Liz didn’t seem to suspect a thing...

So she did just that – bolted.

It was _so_ easy to pretend that the only reason she wanted to follow the blonde away from here was to settle prison business, that she didn’t _ache _to be held and fixed by her again, that she didn’t _ache_ to touch every curve with rampant desire and maybe a touch of truth, memorize every needy sound she made in response…or maybe bury the thought and everything it set aflame in her, throw away the key, pretend it never existed in the first place…

Maybe it was only hitting her now that she wanted Allie like she never wanted anyone else.

But she was Top Dog, the grim reaper, she had no time, no _right_ to dream of anything other than surviving in this hell-hole…

She couldn’t_ ever_ dream of living.

Next thing she knew, Allie pulled her back to reality with a soft, barely there smile. As she gingerly caught up to her, Bea thought this was as close as it could get for her…so she might as well hold on to it for a little while longer. With the blonde leading the way like a beacon of light, she followed along, mimicking her every footstep until they both reach a secluded spot…as private as a place like this allowed - the laundry.

Since everyone else was still out in the yard, thankfully there were no prying eyes or ears to fear…

“So, what’s up?”

Just like Bea to walk in with one determined stride, cross her arms and cut straight to the chase…

“Straight down to business…” – Allie leaned against the doorway smoothly, seductively almost. “It’s always all business and no fun with you, huh, Bea?”

Just like Allie to choose the oddest moments to…_flirt._

She couldn’t help it, it was second nature…and maybe this time, it was also working, judging by the way Bea just cleared her throat and the sudden nervousness governing her every gesture.

A sly smirk rose to Allie’s lips.

“I mean this_ is_ prison so it’s probably understandable…” – she added with a sympathetic look, shutting the door all the way, the action only shrinking the charged space between them. “But you know….people find ways to have fun in here, too—“

People who weren’t…top dog, that is.

“Sorry…”

Out of nowhere or maybe a crystal clear _somewhere_, a rosy tint dusted Bea’s cheeks, giving her pale complexion a beautiful, entrancing glow. She dipped her head like a shy school girl, as Allie watched in a charmed haze, her all-knowing grin scaling down into a soft smile…

“It’s okay…”

The fact that_ she_ brought that reaction, the fact that _she_ just changed her entire demeanor so effortlessly made Allie’s chest flutter..

She couldn’t remember the last time she did it for someone…or the last time she even cared to.

Then again…she tended not to care in general...until the same woman standing before her now in all of her flawed glory, watching her in a way she only ever dreamed she would broke her every rule.

“Hi…”

With slow, calculated steps, she inched closer, studying every detail of Bea’s face, watching the worried creases on her brow gradually smoothen then fade, lips curving upwards slightly, eyes turning softer around the edges…she was so focused on her, she didn’t even notice the redhead was doing the same in return, noting every subtle change in her..

Unlike yesterday, this time, she welcomed Allie’s presence like a safe haven…

She didn’t have it in her to look away…or maybe simply didn’t want to.

“H-hey…”

And when Allie’s hand clasped around her shoulder, then slid down her forearm with a brief, comforting squeeze, Bea’s mouth parted with a sharp inhale. Even what was intended as an innocent, soothing touch felt like matches to gasoline now, setting her aflame in new, foreign ways she could barely identify, let alone control. She blinked a few times, crossed arms falling, mimicking a more relaxed pose, as her teeth sunk into her bottom lip unconsciously.

Allie let go, then looked down, stroke by a rare moment of shyness, too..

“So…” – Bea pressed on, managing a tentative smile but still halfway in top dog mode.

“So…do you want the good news…” – Allie’s lopsided grin faltered, eyes still shining with a mischievous spark. “Or the bad news first?”

“Bad news, _obviously_—“

Bea was entirely predictable…

“So I found this chocolate bar I’ve been looking for forever, right, I thought they discontinued it but—“

Allie was hell-bent on delivering the good news…first.

“Listen, Bea, it’s so good, a’right, gotta try it sometime—“

“Y’know, play nice and maybe I’ll share the next one with you…”

Bea shook her head playfully, rolling her eyes…

“But you gotta say _please, Allie_…”

Then her heart soared out of her chest…

Because this bright, sunny, happy-go-lucky, grinning, blonde _idiot _was still trying to make her smile…even if she probably had bad news…really bad news to share…

"Think you can manage that…” – she trailed off, scanning Bea from head to toe…like the shameless flirt she was. “_All-business-no-fun?_”

It was working…

“Please, Allie…”

“Nuh-uh, can’t hear ya...” – the blonde stretched her ear out, comically. „A lil’ louder for your _best_ friend, Allie..”

„Who’s deaf?”

„Aww..you didn’t deny it...” – Allie reached over, then tapped her nose twice for emphasis.. „_Best_ friend...”

It was working, marvelously..

Despite the very annoyed recipient of that gesture _trying _to glare…and obviously failing.

“_Please, _Allie..” – Bea mocked again, sarcastically, half-smile still stubbornly tugging at her lips. “Just get to the point.”

She also read the unspoken _“Are you sure”_ that Allie was too hesitant to ask…

The redhead nodded ever-so-slightly, prompting her to continue. Eyebrows furrowing, sky-blue eyes clouded with palpable concern spelled even more reluctance…

With a gentle, almost _tender_ sigh, Bea shifted in her space further, reassuring brown tones hypnotizing her then steadily bringing her back to Earth from wherever she seemed to have gone to before…

“I’m not gonna like…break or something…” – a forced laugh tore out of the redhead’s throat…

_Like I broke yesterday…_

“It’s fine…you can tell me."

"I know…” – Allie weakly reciprocated with a strained smile of her own, voice falling into a forlorn whisper... “I just hate to be the bearer of bad news….but since you already came all the way here because this rude blonde couldn’t stop gawking at you out in the yard…”

She was_ still_ trying to joke…

But her smile was steadily dropping all the same…

“For the record, I only do it with the pretty ones…”

Or maybe not entirely…if we were to go by Allie’s suggestive wink.

Apparently, she was still sticking to her one and true mission in life…_to_ _flirt. _Because her priorities were always in order.

“But don’t let that get to your head…people already worship you and all..”

Bea had no idea she was blushing again…

Her company was keenly aware of every change in her complexion..

“H-hardly these days…”

And Allie was still part of that crowd…maybe the captain of her fan club.

On the outside, she even passed T-shirts…

“Fame’s an illusion, Bea…I mean look at me, I was the absolute_ shit_ on the outside and now I don’t even have like what, 10 women fighting over me?”

That aggravated tone was all it took for Bea to burst into laughter…

Because Allie was _genuinely _offended..

“What? Don’t look at me like that, judgy—“

“10 is a reasonable number, a’right?”

When she chuckled again, honest and a lot more heartfelt than she thought she was capable of anymore, a certain cheerful someone joined in, instantly making her forget what she was worried about…if only for a second…

Maybe Allie was, above all and most importantly…an _idiot._

“Just saying, this place is backwards...”

Scratch that – a _pouting_ idiot.

They both laughed again until there was nothing to fill the silence with, aside from the sound of their every unspoken thought lingering in the air…

Entirely predictable, too, Allie was the first to voice one…

“_You_, on the other hand…” – the blonde murmured, lowly, lulling her back in with a charged, electric stare. “You could have anyone you wanted.”

And when Allie leaned forward, slender fingers coming up to fix her hair, then gently clasp around her own, Bea’s breath caught in her throat… 

“_C-could_…” – she whispered, regretfully.

She had a feeling that changed…

“Can…”

For a certain someone, it never would…

“Trust me…”

She did…

But she couldn’t allow herself to go further down that road, a road she was already on, in too deep to turn back now...so she pulled the breaks, instead. Allie’s nonverbal cue to sit down came like clockwork, her equally regretful, defeated energy pulling them both from under the same spell, far too early…

She reiterated everything she heard, from the Freak’s usual bullshit this time carrying a valid reason for concern to the news of Maxine taking over. And as she did, it wasn’t lost on her how Bea was starting to turn paler, her not even halfway contained anxious gestures only growing in intensity with each passing second…

In one swift move, Bea stood up, leaving a perplexed Allie to gaze at her helplessly from the floor, watch her as she paced back and forth, concern rapidly taking over her every feature…

She was freaking out…

“I’m sorry….I just…” – Allie chewed on her bottom lip, shuffling her feet against the floor with the nervous mannerisms of a scolded child…“Thought you should know..?”

It was the most inappropriate moment to have that thought…but as Bea stopped her anxious pacing just to watch….it struck her like lightning.

She thought Allie was _cute_. Maybe because shyness was a shade she rarely wore..

“…shoot the messenger?”

Or simply because, in the midst of it all, she was_ still_ trying to crack a joke…

For _her…_

“Just please not the face, it’s my only asset—“

Bea begged to differ…

“And you already messed up my eyebrow, y’know—“

An enthralled, flagrantly nostalgic smile blossomed on Allie’s face…and the sight was enough to rein Bea in, prompt a calmer breath to fill her lungs. The blonde dusted her pants then got off the floor, too, gingerly moving into her space, still carrying subtle traces of nervous energy…

“I’m sorry about that…”– Bea scratched the back of her neck, awkwardly, watching Allie approach her like a deer caught in the headlights…

“I know, just messing with you…” – Allie let out an angelic chuckle, effortlessly turning her breathing heavier with every step she took… “Though that really hurt, for the record…”

It was then that it hit her - she would never hurt the blonde ever again…

“Y-you’ll live, Allie..”

“What else can you do around here, huh?”

Bea fidgeted with her hands, the double meaning in those earnest eyes and voice not lost on her…if only Allie knew she was _also_ reliving that particular memory…

Now, more than ever, she ached for a do-over…

“And don’t be stupid…” – the redhead leaned forward just a bit, unknowingly making her breath come out even more ragged…“It’s not your fault.”

The blonde’s face lit up instantly…

Bea just quoted her words back to her…

“You’re just…”

_Helping me…_

“Giving me a heads up. “ – she exhaled, heavily, running a hand through her hair, before taking a single, reluctant step back. “Better to know, right?”

She still didn’t understand_ why_…

Why Allie was willing to go to such lengths for her, risk so goddamn much for her– her loyalty to Kaz, her safety…why would _anyone?_

“Thanks, by the way...I owe you one…”

She really believed she did. 

“Course you don’t…”

If you asked Allie, it was the other way around.

With an awkward clearing of her throat, Bea cut through the unspoken tension still soaring between them, body sliding past Allie’s in another attempt to run away, solve what she _could_ solve, ignore what she couldn’t…

Until the blonde gently caught onto her arm, that feather-light pressure jolting her back to life with a strong shudder…

“You don’t owe me anything…”

Bea didn’t seem to buy a word…

So Allie tried again, moving impossibly closer, so tantalizingly slow Bea thought she was dreaming…

“You know that, don’t you?”

The sight that came along with it froze Bea in place, parted lips begging to argue, gaze shifting to Allie’s hand still hovering hesitantly over her skin, then down to the floor. As it slid away completely, Bea almost dared to chase it back…only to find expectant, compassionate orbs searching hers intently, waiting on approval…

She couldn’t give it to her, not entirely…

Because the blonde had no idea she felt indebted to her in more ways than she could even name…

“I know but I…”

_I still want to give you…something_.

And maybe Bea couldn’t give her enough…but she could give her…_something._

One move was all it took…and this time Bea's hand found her elbow, mirroring her gesture, frames a breath away from embracing each other…

Bea allowed herself to drown in those confused, yet earnest eyes facing her, flickering rapidly between her eyes and lips with fervent _want_, a guilty, unintended look…

“Allie…?”

And maybe hers did the same… a frontier that had yet to be crossed, if ever..

Warm earth tones blended with crystal blue in an all-too-revealing game of hide and seek she was steadily losing…

“Y-yeah?”

Bea’s hand ran a soothing motion down the length of Allie’s arm, holding her in place…

With a slight tremble, the blonde stopped moving…all she could do was _watch._

Next thing she knew, she was breathing _her_…

“I um…”

Bea got-up on her tip-toes, warm lips tracing the smooth skin of Allie’s cheek in hazy, drawn-out, _eager_ exploration, curved at the edges into a smile she only ever wore for her. As her lips lingered, a little too long to be just friendly and casual, the blonde’s heart hammered in her chest, following a rhythm she knew all too well…

One she only reserved for her, too…

“Thank you.”

Bea was too scared to ask herself what she really meant…

If it was _I love you, too…_

So she didn’t…

She pulled away much too soon, as if she hadn’t occupied her space at all…as if she hadn’t casually stolen Allie’s breath for far too many times to count…

Awestruck, Allie stood there, lips parted ever-so-slightly, urging words she didn’t have to speak themselves, skin tingling with sensation…

Before she could get a chance to react, she was touching air, calling out to it, instead…

Bea was long gone.

When realization dawned on her, Allie shook her head, a soft, entranced smile curling her lips, lighting up her every feature from within. After a drawn-out pause or maybe a much needed moment to breathe, her hand came up to caress her own cheek in a spellbound trance…one only _she_ could induce.

Next thing she knew, her smile morphed into a goofy grin she couldn’t shake even if she tried…

Allie smiled with the warmth of a million suns.

Then again, it was what she did since the day they met.

Bea didn’t know it yet…but she returned the favor.

**Author's Note:**

> So I got this wonderful prompt:
> 
> "In season 4 Ep 6 around the 39 minute mark when they're all in the yard and Ferguson is telling Kaz's crew that there's talk of Maxine taking over as Top Dog, we see Allie look over at Bea, Bea looks at her, and then Allie gets up and leaves and shortly after Bea also leaves. I can only assume they meet somewhere in private and Allie lags to Bea about what Ferguson said, because after that Bea goes to confront Maxine about the rumours.I would love to read a story about that private moment, the thoughts in each woman's head while they were in the yard staring at each other, what happens during that conversation and how it affects their dynamic. I think you'd do a great job teasing that moment out."
> 
> And the more we got to talking, the more I realized...the idea is too great not to expand on it even more and go even earlier in the episode. 
> 
> "In fact that first heavy loaded look that Allie gives Bea in the yard and the way Bea is watching her is so indicative that more happened in that self harming scene than they showed us."
> 
> Your insight really got me going so here's my take on both moments - for @ballie_pancakes and everyone who might dig this.


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